Harmony from chaos: my insights into conflict management
While many individuals prefer to avoid conflict, it's undeniable that, sooner or later, interpersonal disputes of some kind will happen in our lives.
I don't claim to be an expert in conflict management and, truth be told, I haven't yet figured out a fail-safe approach that works all the time. So, what I'm going to present here today are reflections on how I have changed my style over the years and some of the techniques I employ in navigating the conflicts that come up in my day-to-day.
First and foremost, let's define what constitutes a conflict.
Rather than consulting the dictionary, let's consider my interpretation:
a conflict emerges when two or more people hold irreconcilable positions and opinions. If these parties don't actively seek to bridge the divide in their perspectives, conflict becomes an inevitability. A conflict carries both short-term and long-term consequences for their relationships.
When two individuals' viewpoints clash, typically three avenues for resolution present themselves:
Constructive dialogue, culminating in an acceptable compromise;
The intervention of a neutral third party - like a judge, a boss or higher authority - to make decisions and guide subsequent steps;
When positions are intractable and fundamentally incompatible, drastic measures - such as parting ways or resigning - may become necessary.
In most scenarios, the first option - engaging in productive dialogue - is the optimal path forward.
However, that's also often the most challenging one, demanding the willingness of both parties to openly address their differences and jointly explore means to reconcile their positions.
This approach requires humility from both sides, the ability to listen with an open mind, and the skill to communicate effectively as well as to synthetize a common approach.
I am going to talk about how I think about the first option, which I've encountered numerous times throughout my career.
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Conflicts are a common occurrence in corporate settings, fueled by the diversity of personalities and diverging interests within teams.
How I set myself up to have constructive dialogues
As mentioned, I don't claim to be an expert, but my experiences have taught me a few valuable lessons in how to set myself up to have constructive dialogues.
This is what I do.
Self-awareness is paramount. Acknowledging my own starting position, I recognize that I'm a white male in my 40s and hold a senior leadership role within my organization. My tenure in large multinational corporations has instilled in me an appreciation for the cultural factors that can influence inter-team communication. I consciously try to set myself away from age-ism, race-ism, gender-ism and few other isms I'm probably not thinking of right now.
Choosing the right environment and location is critical.
I opt for private spaces that are conducive to serious discussions. I avoid the distractions found in coffee shops, for example. I prefer to have these conversations in meeting rooms, possibly without glass walls, to keep the meeting confidential and avoid gossip from other colleagues.
Face-to-face discussions are my preferred mode of communication. I firmly believe that emails should be avoided, and phone calls, while a viable alternative, fall short of the benefits of in-person dialogue. Delicate matters, such as providing feedback on personality-related issues, often involve unspoken nuances that can only be observed when the person is physically present. These cues guide my communication strategy, as the goal is to bridge the gap between conflicting positions through mediation.
Start the conversation by identifying common ground. Begin with acknowledging shared viewpoints or areas of agreement. In the case of a colleague, express appreciation for their strengths and qualities you value. Avoid diving into the problem immediately. Demonstrating care and respect sets a positive tone, making the person more receptive to constructive feedback.
Maintain a factual and objective tone throughout the conversation. Emotions should be kept in check, employing a measured and rational approach. This doesn’t mean you have to turn into a Terminator: simply, avoid loaded language, an overly enthusiastic tone, increased volume, or personal judgments. A focus on facts allows for a more constructive exchange. If the other party strays, I patiently reiterate my points using different wording, steering clear of judgment.
Don’t need to put on an Austrian accent. As you go deeper in the conversation, you may feel some resistance from the other side in agreeing with whatever suggestion you make. At this point, I try to paraphrase statements I already made, perhaps approaching them from different angles, to see if that makes a difference in persuading the listener to agree on certain points. Naturally, we have to look for trade-offs: it is improbable you will obtain everything that you are asking for, but if the conflict is solved and we have a clear path for action, then this is still a win.
Conclude the meeting by summarizing the discussion and outlining the actions both parties will take to address the underlying disagreement. This step, though uncomfortable, is essential. Without a clear set of actions or behaviors to adhere to moving forward, conflicts may resurface. Avoid sweeping an issue under the rug: it will come back.
Conflict management is hard
Managing conflicts is undoubtedly difficult. Beware of anyone claiming to possess a one-size-fits-all conflict management formula that always works. Those people are full of sh*t, they are trying to sell you something… or both.
Your approach to conflict resolution is likely to evolve throughout your career.
As your personality matures and your role within an organization evolves, so too will your methods. If conflicts with your boss become a common occurrence, it may be worth considering a change before matters worsen. Conversely, disagreements with colleagues can foster healthy relationships and enhance work output when approached with humility and a learning mindset.
Like all of us, I still have a lot of room for improvement in this area, although I acknowledge I have significantly adjusted my approach over the years.
When I was younger, I was much more impulsive, and I struggled to see situations from others' perspectives. Over time, I've learned to empathize and adapt my style to accommodate different viewpoints. This proactive approach has allowed me to prevent conflicts more often than not (though I occasionally still find myself in challenging situations).
Ultimately, the key to extract harmony from the chaos linked to a conflict is for you to find an approach that aligns with your unique circumstances, attitude and objectives.