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The other day, while at the office, I was adjusting my standing desk about to start fixing my email backlog, when a colleague walked by and joked: “Oh, so you’re one of those people who use a standing desk. How can you even work while standing up?”
Without missing a beat, I smiled and said: “Well, to be honest, most people don’t notice whether I’m standing or sitting anyway” poking fun at my height.
It got a good laugh because, well, it’s kind of true: whether I’m sitting or standing, the difference is not exactly huge!
Importantly, this small joke opened up the room for connection.
Self-deprecating humor, when done right, is like a social lubricant. It makes people comfortable and it breaks down walls: it’s one of those low-status moves that can paradoxically make you more approachable and even more influential.
Why does this work?
I use this type of humor quite regularly as an ice-breaker, so I have often wondered why making fun of yourself has this effect.
One hypothesis I have is that, deep down, most people are insecure, especially in a work setting.
The corporate world can feel like a shark tank, where everyone is sizing each other up, and there is an unspoken wariness. People don’t always connect on a deeper level because they are too busy measuring their words and being self-conscious in guarding their reputations.
When you make a joke at your own expense, it lowers the stakes in the interaction.
You are signaling that you are not a threat and, somehow, there is no need for pretense.
You create a space where people feel safe letting their guard down, even if just for a moment. In that moment, you stop being a competitor or a coworker: they see you as human.
In today’s work environment, where political correctness often forces conversations to stay at surface level, self-deprecating humor becomes even more valuable because it helps in not making anyone else the target: you are making yourself the punchline.
Oddly enough, that gives you the upper hand in building trust.
There is another theory I have been toying with: using self-deprecating humor actually gives you control over how others perceive you.
Think about it. In any social or work setting, people are going to form opinions about you: your stature, your authority, your competence. If you make fun of your own flaws, you are preempting their judgment by getting ahead of their internal narrative and showing them that you are the one in control of how you are perceived.
It flips the script.
What’s fascinating is that this kind of humor can position you as stronger. By owning your quirks, you are saying: “Folks, I know my strengths and my weaknesses, and I’m comfortable with both.”
I find that kind of confidence to be magnetic because it reassures people that you are not fragile, that you can handle feedback, that you don’t take yourself too seriously and that your door is open for more honest conversations.
The double-edged sword
When you make fun of yourself, you are engaging in benign self-disclosure.
This is a psychological principle where showing vulnerability makes others more likely to trust you. Studies have shown that when someone admits to a flaw or a mistake, it humanizes them and makes them more relatable, however the trick lies in how you do it.
Humor is often linked with emotional intelligence, and self-deprecating humor in particular requires a good sense of timing, self-awareness, and audience awareness.
The positive reception you get from it, hinges on the way others perceive your confidence.
If your humor comes across as self-aware and playful, people see you as secure and relatable, but if it’s overused or comes off as too harsh, it might signal insecurity rather than confidence.
One of the psychological phenomena that explains this balance is the pratfall effect.
In a classic 1966 study, psychologist Elliot Aronson found that highly competent people became more likable when they made small mistakes or showed some imperfection, but the same effect did not apply to those seen as less competent. They became even less likable when they made mistakes.
This is why self-deprecating humor works well in a professional setting for people who are already perceived as competent.
When you show a small weakness or make fun of yourself in a light-hearted way, it makes you appear more approachable, but if your competence is in question to begin with, too much self-deprecation can tip the scales, making you seem less capable and, in turn, undermining your authority.
I recently listened to an interview by Shankar Vedantam on Hidden Brain withAlison Fragale, an expert in this field, and she was very much aligned with this thinking. She explained that for every point you gain in social cohesion - making others feel comfortable, relatable, and connected - you risk taking an equal hit to how people perceive your expertise.
Think of it like a seesaw.
On one end, humor makes you approachable, a “safe” person to interact with that make other people feel at ease, less threatened by your position or experience. But for each laugh you get at your own expense, there is a subtle risk: your audience may start to subconsciously downgrade their perception of your authority, expertise, or seriousness.
WE believe what we say, and so do the people around us.
When you make self-deprecating jokes, even if you are just doing it for a laugh, you are subtly reinforcing a narrative about yourself.
It’s not just the people around you who might start questioning your expertise or competence: it’s you too!
Over time, the brain starts to internalize these little jabs. What started as humor can become a belief.
What we should do, then?
The ancient Romans (that, unlike the modern ones, used to take everything seriously) had a motto for how to approach many things in life: in mediō stat virtūs - which loosely translates to “the best option lies somewhere between two extremes”.
We tend to think that to be approachable, we need to fill the air with jokes, lightness and small talk but what if, instead, you strategically let silence do the work?
Silence signals confidence, depth, and gives people space to think or respond. If you are constantly cracking jokes or filling every moment with humor, you might start to dilute your impact.
You risk being seen as the “funny guy” rather than someone who can also command respect.
When you pair well-timed self-deprecating humor with moments of thoughtful silence, you show that you are not trying too hard to win people over, and this communicates a different kind of self-assuredness.
You are comfortable enough to let the room breathe and let your words sink in because you understood that silence, oddly enough, is a demonstration of authority and comfort in your own skin.
This contrast - self-deprecating humor to break the ice followed by moments of calm - is what creates that balance between being relatable and being credible.
Do you buy this theory? Let me know in the comments.
✍ The Management Consultant
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🎯 INTERESTING SH*T
A couple of things I found on the internet that you may like…
Not something I found on the Internet, but still worth a share… I’m (re)reading “Games people play” by Eric Berne, and I thought you should know. Highly recommended book.
At first I thought this was a bullshit article, but then I actually realized it analyzes a powerful method, and one that I kind of naturally adopt already. If you are excited about what you are working on, you’ll be soooo eager to keep putting the effort…
“Because Hemingway left his work at an interesting moment, it became easier to return to his typewriter the next day. Think of it like a TV show cliffhanger. If you are interested in the story, you’re more likely to return to the show next season. Hemingway essentially incorporated self-made cliffhangers into his productivity schedule to maintain his desire to see things through.”
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So very true.